A fierce Highlander is drinking in a Glasgow pub. He consumes about ten pints, but just as he starts on his eleventh, he feels the call of nature.

Dubious about the character of the Glaswegian, he gets a post-it note and scribbles on it
"This pint belongs to the Inverness Heavyweight Boxing Champion" and sticks it to the glass.

On his return he sees another note stuck over his, which reads
"This pint is now inside the Glasgow Half Mile Sprint Champion!.

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll gie a £150!"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Sharon Stone sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Highlands of Scotland. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style steam train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Sharon Stone and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: " The Scotsman must have kissed Sharon Stone and she missed him and slapped me instead. "

Sharon Stone was thinking: " The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it."

And the Scotsman was thinking: " This is magic. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English fool again .

A Scotsman walks into a London pub and asks in his proud Scots brogue for a whisky.
On hearing this request 3 resident English lads set about riling up their visitor from the North.
All three agree that the Jocks always took the bait and were easy prey.

The first English lad sits beside the Scotsman and announces for all the pub to hear,
"See your St. Andrew - He was a poofter by the way!"

On hearing this the Scotsman coolly replies "Is that so - I didnae know that".

Determined, the second Morris dancer, decides to try his luck.
"See your St. Andrew, he had sex with men off for money!"

Again the Scotsman coolly states that "He didnae know that this was the case"
The 3rd shandy drinker says to his friends that they have approached it all wrong and that he would definitely get the desired reaction from the Scotsman.

He saddles up next to the Scotsman and states,
"See your St. Andrew - He was an Englishman by the way"

To which the Scotsman replies "Aye............... so yer mates were just tellin me!"

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